Inspired by Wide Right & Natty Lite's guest post w/ Cormac McCarthy previewing the upcoming season in the Big 12, we thought it might be fun to get another popular author in to preview our home conference. Long story short, we got noted provocateuse Elizabeth Wurtzel instead. Sorry WR&NL!.
Atlantic Division:
1) Florida State Seminoles: When I was at Harvard, I had an Indian boyfriend, but the other kind of Indian. I can't remember his name. I think I fucked his roommate.
2) Clemson Tigers: Like I care about some liberal arts college in North Carolina?
3) Boston College Eagles: When I was at Harvard, they had these buses to bring girls from here so they could find husbands or something. On a slow weekend, not bad for a diversion, if you don't mind a little rough trade.
4) Maryland Terrapins: I think my agent's stepson wears a sweatshirt from here. Dim bulb, but Oxy doesn't grow on trees!
5) NC State Wolfpack: That reminds me, I should write another memoir - about the time I got stuck under Philip Gourevitch's desk for a week.
6) Wake Forest Demon Deacons: Pretty sure this is actually one of the boarding schools I got kicked out of, but don't feel like looking it up.
1) NYU: Number one because my new boyfriend is a doctor there. He's married, so I can't say his name or his specialty, but let's just say he's in a position to admire his handiwork.
2) Virginia Tech Hokies: Didn't they have shootings here? Like after I had to move out of my studio because of 9/11? Maybe Fall of 05? Anyway, it was about the time that some bridge and tunnel cunt grabbed a pair of 40% off Louboutins from me at a Barney's sample sale. That's a tragedy people need to not forget.
3) Miami Hurricanes: Miami is the only place I can really relax. The Fontainebleau sends a limo and I curl up in the back so I don't have to look at Cubans.
4) Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets: I could watch the triple option all day. And not just because Paul Johnson reminds me of my father.
5) UNC Tar Heels: Some guy from here tried to contact me on OK Cupid. Ew.
6) UVA Cavaliers: UVA gave Jhumpa Lahiri ten large to do a reading right after MY book came out. The next time I saw her in the sauna at the NYAC, I left a used tampon in her shoe. Interpret that malady, Jhumpa!
7) Duke Blue Devils: My BFF from high school had to go here because she got waitlisted at Harvard. We had about the same grades, but she did let herself get a little chunky after she stopped dating her gymnastics coach. Sometimes the little things make a big difference!
Comments