So, Pizza Hut Pizza Sliders. If you like playing tic-tac-toe with little tubs of cheese slurry, this is the pizza for you. Beyond the Taco Town-esque impulse to recombine disparate fast food concepts in defiance of logic, taste, and good common stense, the Big Pizza Slider makes it clear that American fast food is rapidly approaching its logical denoument in the form of compulsory ball gags filled with ranch dressing.
So, one thing that happened is that Dodge blew off the atheist truck market, and ran an advertisement using an old Paul Harvey monologue that begins:
"And on the 8th day God looked down on his planned paradise and said, "I need a caretaker!" So, God made a farmer! God said I need somebody to get up before dawn and milk cows and work all day in the fields, milk cows again, eat supper and then go to town and stay past midnight at a meeting of the school board. So, God made a farmer!
Two minutes of this over pictures of farms and farmers, and then a discreet Dodge Ram pickup at the and. It has been getting what they call buzz, in part b/c it's, urm, recycled. I am not that concerned about the originality of the advertisement, but I am interested in its premise. At the end of the commercial, we see the tagline "To the Farmer in All of Us." Doubtless, the farmer in some of us is at the Dodge dealership this morning, seeing about trading that minivan for a truck, now that the kids are grown. It's an expensive proposition, as they start north of twenty grand and get much more expensive very quickly.
We begin to arrive at a question, which is how do small farmers, of the sort valorized in the commercial, afford shiny new pickup trucks? Anecdotally, they answer is that the cannot afford to, or they prefer to spend their disposable incomes on things like mortgage payments and fixing holes in roofs. The last time I visited a farm, I happened to take a picture of a Dodge truck. It belongs to my Randy and Lisa Robar, neighbors in VT who run Kiss the Cow Farm (for some reason, they don't have a website, so no link). Here is a picture of their Dodge truck:
I was actually focused on the cows at the time, but you can see enough of the truck to notice that it is 1) old enough for an AARP card and 2) full of cow manure. You cannot see that it takes considerable tinkering and TLC to get it to start. When the farmer in all of us is at the dealer's, mulling over $395 for chrome steel bedrails, Randy and Lisa Robar, and others like them, are shoveling shit into vehicles that rolled off the assembly line when Ted Williams was still a fighter pilot, and spraying ether into air intakes in an effort to get them to start.
The farmer in all of us, 99+% of the time, is not a farmer. Farming is hard work, and it pays poorly. The Robars took over the farm from a farmer who died on his own farm in a farming accident. "The farmer in all of us" is a nice, truck-selling way to refer to an inclination that Americans have to like the idea of farming. The valorization of farmers by non-farmers goes back at least to Thomas Jefferson:
I'd suggest, just as a conversation starter, that the average American's deep-seated fondness for the idea of farming, coupled with a preference for easier, safer, and more lucrative work, creates exactly the kind of environment where terribile industrial farming can flourish. As a nation, we are seduced by pictures like the ones in the Dodge commercial, and meanwhile the heirs of Earl Butz are busy making anaerobic pigshit lagoons.
Through the good offices of Mr. Hall. Fake Guy Fieri drops some knowledge w/r/t homophobia and Notre Dame. And his hair is better than Michael Warner's! The whole Teo thing really only makes sense if he was making up a fake girlfriend as a way to get out of having a real girlfriend, which would not be a problem were it not for football's culture of compulsory heterosexuality. (Case in point: mention the possiblity that Teo is gay, and watch Domers rip you for "accusing" him of being gay. You can accuse someone of racketeering, which is a crime, but you cannot "accuse" someone of enjoying Lillet, which is not a crime.) But! most alarmingly, the Old Skool Pepperoni Pizza Eggrolls that I presumed to be a satiric concoction of EDSBS turn out to be all too real:
It's early yet, so let's call this a contender for Guiteau Monday.
So, this is what the gentlemen in the digital camo are fighting for? Sounds like Guiteau Monday to me. On a somewhat related note, Papa John's is threatening similar measures. In the case of Applebee's and Papa John's, shitty fast casual riblets and shitty pizza is no great loss. Recently, however, Aziz Ansari pointed out that the problem w/ the Chick-fil-A vs gays situation is that Chick-fil-A is very tasty - as he observed, if it were Long John Silver's nobody would care.
More generally, it's interesting to the Cod that 2012 has been a year where fast food has become politicized, but in terms of gay marriage and health care, rather than on its own, rather dubious, terms.
The Cod has returned relatively unscathed from a visit to The World's Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party. As an addition to the Shitshow Bucketlist, TWLOCP can definitely hang witip h Mardi Gras, Derby infield, Indy 500 infield, the Head of the Charles, etc. Hand to God, there was a trailer hitch stripper pole/trampoline hybrid.
The most alarming thing, however, came from the folks at Miracle Whip, recently seen suggesting that hating on Miracle Whip = being homophobic, or something. There were foks going around handing out little sandwiches, looking like they should belong to some sort of cult, but a really shitty cult, because they were shitty little sandwiches. Little, b/c served inside koozies, and shitty, b/c made with Miracle Whip. Even considering that TWLOCP foodshed approaches The Road depths (the Cod may or may not have feigned support for Romney to cadge a hot dog from adjacent College Republicans), this was an easy snack to say no to, esp in consideration of the message on the koozie. Bad advice in general, especially so in Jacksonville. Stay tuned for better food news soon, and those of you in Sandy's wheelhouse stay safe on this Guiteau Monday.
Sometimes, life gives you a gift, like a ready-made Guiteau Monday post that's as easy as command-C, command-V:
EIGHT MULTI-TALENTED CELEBRITIES ANNOUNCED FOR NEW SEASON OF RACHAEL VS. GUY: CELEBRITY COOK-OFF
Season Two premieres Sunday, January 6th, 2013 at 9pm ET/PT on Food Network
Rachael Ray and Guy Fieri return to coach their teams for ultimate bragging rights
NEW YORK - October 15, 2012 - The cast of the second season of Food Network primetime seriesRachael vs. Guy: Celebrity Cook-Off is revealed with a roster of star-studded and diverse competitors, which battle it out in this fast-paced and fun culinary competition. The all-star lineup includes: Chilli (member of pop/R&B group TLC), Gilbert Gottfried (actor, comedian), Cornelia Guest (designer, author, philanthropist), Dean McDermott (actor, reality television star), Kathy Najimy (actress, Sister Act), Hines Ward (former NFL player; Super Bowl Champion and MVP), Carnie Wilson (singer, Wilson Phillips) andJohnny Weir (two-time Olympic Figure Skater, three-time U.S. National Champion).This 6-episode, top-rated series, once again features Emmy®-winning talk show host and Food Network icon Rachael Ray and best-selling cookbook author and successful restaurateur Guy Fieri, as they coach and mentor the eight multi-talented celebrities. The second season premieres on Sunday, January 6th, 2013 at 9pm ET/PT.
In Rachael vs. Guy: Celebrity Cook-Off, the contestants are divided into Team Rachael and Team Guy, as they face intense weekly challenges that are sure to have them working, fighting and laughing along the way. The losing team must send its two bottom-rated contestants to face off against each other, with one member sent home each week. The last celebrity standing at the end of the season wins bragging rights and a cash donation to their favorite charity. Season one winner was Lou Diamond Phillips for Team Rachael.
Rachael vs. Guy: Celebrity Cook-Off is produced by Jane Street Entertainment.