THE GURGLING COD

Paula Deen riding things and encouraging moderation.

It's been almost 48 hours since I challenged Paula Deen, her associates, or fans to come up with evidence supporting her claim that she has "always encouraged moderation." The silence has been deafening, with one exception -- the Paula Deen Riding Things and Encouraging Moderation Tumblr!

Alton Brown returns to Twitter, or why is this troll smiling?

So, do you remember where you were when social media savant Alton Brown announced his return to Twitter? The same place you were when he deleted his Twitter a month ago? This time, things will be different:

As some of you may remember, about a month ago I left Twitter to: sick, lowlife scumbags. Well, it turns out the sick, lowlife scumbag population on Twitter is actually rather low while the number of nice, normal (seemingly at least) folks is relatively high. 

<snip>My people have talked to Twitter’s people and as of today I’m back. 

<snip>

So, once more unto the Twitter breach…

But, rest assured…I’m loaded for troll.

Unfortunately for Alton, the point of the troll is to get a reaction:

One who posts a deliberately provocative message to a newsgroup ormessage board with the intention of causing maximum disruption and argument

So, AB loaded for troll = troll mission accomplished! But, whatever. This sort of faux-oafish (foafish?) thing is par for the course for AB. But! He does tell the trolls this:

Although I’ll tweet as regularly as possible, I’m only going to answer questions twice a week. On Tuesday and Friday mornings, I will answer the first 10 questions I see as long as they’re suitable for public consumption. Other than that I’ll attempt to limit myself to culinary and cultural matters.

I may be late, but I do have an important question for Mr Brown: 

Monobrow Preservation Society swag coming soon!

UPDATE: The actual shirts will look like this.

Cod fave Hugh Acheson tweeted: Check our fine t-shirts at the Empire State South shop! And coming soon is my "Monobrow Preservation Society" t-shirt! Evidently, the brow is taking on a life of its own, and props to Hugh for rolling with it.

Through sources, we were able to get a leaked version of an artist's conception of this design:

Save an XL for the Cod! 

Emeril, you don't have to say you love me.*

Thanks to all for the kind words w/r/t my quixotic struggle w/ a cookbook that weighs as much as a third grader and costs as much as a suite at the W. But we must not neglect the usual Cod business, like finding some dismaying soupcon to start the week. (Rainy Monday on the tail end of spring break means there will certainly be good seats available in the 11:15 class at my day job, y'all come!) 

As I  mentioned last year about this time, the weeks and weeks of Mothers Day hype are a grind if you are recently short a mom. I am not sure if being an orphan makes the following more or less disturbing:

"Good Morning America" is looking for a mom who has done it all...and then some. We're seeking that entry that moves us the most, about a mom who did something extra-special for her family, her community, a friend or loved one. Is there a mom you know who has done something extraordinary or heroic? What makes this mom special?

To enter, please fill out the information below by April 15, 2011, including an essay of 100 words or less explaining why the mom you are nominating deserves Emeril’s Breakfast in Bed. 

I can't imagine a contest where winning is more like a home invasion (well, maybe that Shaqille O'Neal searches your home for kiddie porn contest).  Emeril got his start at a spot that, entre nous is home to a ferociously overrated brunch, and unless your mom is Rebecca Black, and sleeps perfectly coiffed and lipglossed, encountering the GMA crew first thing in the morning might not feel like winning. Also, the whole thing is just creepy. I am bracing myself for:

The Alton Brown shows you how to floss properly contest.

The Guy Fieri just needs to crash on your couch for a couple weeks contest. 

The Rachael Ray hosts your Carlos viewing party contest. 

The Anthony Bourdain crashes your sister's wedding contest. 

Feel free to add you own contests in the comments, if it helps to pass the time on what is most certainly another Guiteau Monday. 

Luckily, Dusty does. 

The price of fame for Tom Colicchio

You run a restaurant, people like it, or don't. Go on Top Chef, and Internet troublemakers make sport of you:

Play me a song Tom Colicchio. Real soft-like. Make me think you totally wouldn’t be the kind of dude to scream at me to get on my goddamn knees and TRY HARDER. Not that that’s a dealbreaker. Just don’t forget our safety word, “Padma.”

And while we’re here, let me just say that I imagine Tom’s head tastes lovely. If you were to lick it I mean. As I imagine doing so every Wednesday night at 10pm. Not even Bourdain can zap me out of my “what does Tom’s head taste like?” stupor.

Guys We Shouldn't Be Attracted To is shaping up as the Hipster Puppies of 2011. 

Tony Bourdain is like a chocoholic, except for, uh, culture?

 (Yes, late to the party here, I know.) Props to Tony Bourdain for 100 episodes of No Reservations. If I had better food on TV skills, it's one of the few I'd watch on purpose.* I did notice something a bit strange in the print ad for the show. It's TB leaning against a knife - of WORDS! Sure, 100 
  episodes, 100 words, and maybe the copy folks run out of gas somewhere in the middle of the knife, but one of the choices towards the top seemed curious. (See detail at right.) But "culture junkie" seems like a curious choice for someone who documented his own career as and actual, you know, heroin junkie in his breakout book.** Not quite ready to break out the life imitates Onion category yet, but it is eerily reminiscent of the Onion's "I'm like a chocoholic, except for booze." 

  *The corollary to this is The Gurgling Cod's own version of the Bechdel Test: if you see Guy Fieri on your TV, throw wrenches at it until the image subsides. For a plasma screen, an open ended 1/2" does the trick, but if you have a CRT, keep some 9/16" and 5/8" by the TV. 

That said, it's impressive that TB not only managed to kick the smack, but also mostly kick talking about smack. 

Paula Deen hit in face with ham!

It's what it sounds like. Paula Deen hit in the face with a ham. It's like the half of what I'd ask the Make a Wish Foundation for that does not involve the cast of 8 Femmes in a Pinzgauer.

Marisa Tomei kisses a monkey

One forgets just how formidable Marisa Tomei was when she was at the height of her powers. Unless you are a plushie chubby chaser with a thing for Snuffleupagus, Marisa telling the story of a fast food restaurant in Bensonhurst is, without question, the sexiest thing ever to happen on Sesame Street:

You are quite welcome. And thanks to Mr. Hird, who originally posted this to support his contention that Marisa Tomei is a reptile (see :30 or so).

The Paula Deen Fatwa file

I don't have time for commentary, but I am just posting this link to Deen's "why I love to cook for men" so that it will be handy when I put together the supporting materials for declaring a fatwa.*
*Yes, I am using it in the incorrect Western sense as synonym for "death sentence." However, excited about this:
A fatwā (Arabic: فتوى‎; plural fatāwā Arabic: فتاوى‎), in the Islamic faith is a religious opinion concerning Islamic law issued by an Islamic scholar. In Sunni Islam any fatwa is non-binding, whereas in Shia Islam it could be binding, depending on the status of the scholar.
If I convert to Shiism, and get promoted to Associate, I could issue binding laws? Sweet!

Sandy and Tony...

In real life as well as here, The Gurgling Cod has a weakness for analogies, finding it difficult to express concepts without likening them to others. When, on occasion something defies this structure of thought, it's traumatic. So, help me out: N______________ is like telling a former junkie he needs a drink. Via EMD, Glitch Queen Sandra Lee responded to Bourdain's criticism of her thus:

She told OK Magazine she'd like to have Anthony Bourdain over for dinner: “He needs to have a cocktail and lighten up... I would cook him a yummy, mommy comfort food meal, like something with meat and mashed potatoes in it... It’s good comfort food. We all need good comforting.”

 It's a strange gambit for SL. The screen persona she projects is that of a praline-flavored Giacometti sculpture, so there's something offputting about the idea that she might just hike up her peach colored shell and shush Bourdain that way.
 More generally, the distance between FN and pro wrestling is ever smaller. If Jimmy "Superfly" Snuka and Adrian Adonis spent their time praising one another's conditioning and sportsmanship, nobody would watch their bouts.