THE GURGLING COD

Lethal Chef

News from the UK,  that the popularity of TV chef programs seems to be leading to an upswing in kitchen-related injuries, prompts two reactions.
1) Nice to see the USA has not cornered the market on stupid. Yet.
2) Is the correlation between TV chefs and kitchen accidents even more concrete than the article suggests?
Insurance daily claims

Since celebrity chefs tried to educate the nation and the blow torch moved in alongside the potato masher, amateur chefs have been getting into trouble.
According to the research, 14% of those questioned had experienced an accident or damaged their kitchen in some way, while trying out new recipes.
Seventy-three per cent of respondents had little faith in their ability as a chef; however 75% were keen to attempt a complex technique.

Is there that much creme getting bruleed at home? I have to wonder if the issue is not the chefs themselves -- hard to see how, generally speaking, making cassoulet would be more dangerous than making bangers and mash, or whatever these folks were eating in the dark days before the birth of the Naked Chef. Rather, if folks have TVs in their kitchen, and are cooking along to live, DVRed, or DVDed cooking programs, could the distraction of the flickering image itself be generating the accident? If you are making a brunoise while watching someone make a brunoise, it's not hard to see how you might wind up shy a finger or two.

The simple answer might be not to have a TV in the kitchen, a thought that might be unAmerican, and economically unstimulating.* While I wonder at the premise of the article, in re the danger of new and specialized kitchen equipment, I can say that it is a bad idea to listen to Grandmixer DST, or any other scratch-heavy music, while trying out your new mandolin. Trust me. But get out a sharp knife, and enjoy:

Grandmixer DST "Crazy_Cuts"_Original_12" Long_version.mp3

*I am not, like, a global economic expert, but in the long run, how does giving every American a check about the size of an inexpensive piece of consumer electronics help our economy? Couldn't we save the gas from all those trips to Best Buy and just send a jillion dollars to China?

More good news...

Anchower, I know. The cinetrix and I were in San Juan, getting our mofongo on. Deets tk, but in the meantime, news that an animated  Rachael Ray-as-kid chef learning to cook cartoon is in the pipeline. I was hoping that Bourdain and Dora the Explorer would drink fingernail moonshine with Cambodian river pirates, instead, but I will point out that such a program would be unthinkable with G**dia, and leave you to wonder if that is an implication of Rach, G**dia, the Cod for thinking it, or you for recognizing the truth of the statement.

Tyler Florence -- The Great Communicator

Suddenly, everyone is rising up against the Golden Clog Mafia:

Following Richman's revenge on Bourdain, Tyler Florence (who won the Rocco Award at the Golden Clogs) decides to join the fray: "I think that salacious, chef attack thing that Gordon Ramsey and Tony Bourdain do all the time is a shtick. I think people are tired of hearing it. With Tony, it's like... those who can't teach, criticize [others]. I don’t know what he does honestly. When it’s all about ripping up another chef, you should rise above it." [FN Fans via Serious Eats]

It's like at the end of Harriet the Spy, when the kids find Harriet's notebook, and band against her. Except not. For one thing, questions of just how perky Tony's shtick is, not clear how telling him his shit is tired is part of a plan to "rise above it. More to the point, would that it were actually a "salacious" attack -- my best guess is that Tyler meant scurrilous, or something like that -- but a salacious attack on a chef, like maybe Tony attempts the lamabada upon an unwitting Tyler, or Gordo goes all night at the Roxbury on Bobby Flay -- there are people who would pay to watch that. Not many, but some.

In any case, the Golden Clog fallout is a blessing, in that the various slapfights it's provoked are practically the only thing keeping Eater from becoming  wall to wall coverage of the Ko reservation system.
Sure.

Tainted Meat

Not my usual domain, but as I live with someone with an ANTM problem, I did catch last night's episode. For those who missed it, or are not familiar with the program, America's Next Top Model seems more and more like a really shitty cult with every cycle. Girls with no legitimate shot at modelhood are humiliated by Tyra and a cadre of minions who seem focused on reinforcing the idea that gay men are innately misogynistic. But last night, the panties and neckpieces of meat seemed to plumb a new depth. The only followup I can imagine is a trip to the Windy City and an exclusive photo session with R. Kelly!

Paula Deen Rodeo - Print version

Longtime readers of The Gurgling Cod may remember the Paula Deen Rodeo, an exciting test of stamina that challenged readers to see how many seconds of Smithfield's spokesmodel flashdancing through the decades they could watch before blinding selves, or putting a fist through the monitor. The time has come for a new contest, one which will draw only the very steeliest of souls. Simon & Schuster, which has certainly had prouder moments than this, has posted  an excerpt from Paula's memoir, It ain't all about the cooking. It is 933 words. How many can you read? Be warned. As far as I could read (not far) Deen consistently forms gerunds by adding "in'" rather than "ing," as is customary among literate English speakers. With any luck,  the little Panama boy what vacuums the dropped gerunds out the bottom of Paula Deen's Escalade has a better health plan than the workers at Smithfield.

I've said it before, but it bears repeating: Paula Deen manages simultaneously to disgrace southern cooking and humanity in general, which is harder than it looks.  It's as if Paul Prudhomme couldn't cook, or if Henry Kissinger started peddling microwavable biscuits and gravy.

Those Lucky Debutantes

If you'd ever wondered what it would be like to have Rachael Ray teach you how to give a handjob, wonder no more.*

What's really remarkable about this is that it does not happen by accident. Someone made this, because they wanted it to exist. Via Sogood.
*SFW w/ headphones.

Rachamania

Longtime FOC Whatevs has assumed a new role on the quarterdeck of USS Defamer. You will want the RSS handy, if he continues to conjure visions as chilling as these:

When Rachael pawed at The Hulkster's deeply tanned 22-inch pythons, we were struck by a vision, a glorious vision of stars spangling and rockets red-glaring their way deep into the night while as the two made passionate l-o-v-e in the name of chopped cherry trees and purple mountain's majesty.

Yummo, brother. (Click through and see the video for yourself.)

Rock and Roll Never Forgets

Neither does TV, unfortch. Bourdain's long and self-serving post on his Travel Channel blog (how many blogs can one brother have?) manages to be a rather entertaining analysis/speculation on the state of affairs at FoodNet that would lead them to re-run episodes of his Cook's Tour.* Obvs. it is behoovious for Tony not to have 2003 FoodNetTony cannibalizing the more lucrative for him 2008 TravelChannelTony, but it does seem like the price one pays for overexposure. Props for the Poochie reset.
*And speaking of such things it says here that McDonald's plan to recruit an army of baristae to challenge Starbucks actually poses a bigger challenge to Dunkin Donuts. Not so long ago, this staple of life in the Northeast could boast that it was the home of the official Breakfast Sandwich of the New England Patriots. And now one cannot enter a Dunks without being subjected to Rach Rictus, bigger than life.

Entr'acte

Various items to share, but first to get into the cah, and not get out of it until it is a car. (Don't worry, we have the proper IN-surance. In the meantime, you might enjoy reading about Nice Pete's visit to Rachael Ray's home. (Nice Pete is an author and felon; Rachael Ray is a television personality.)

Homegrown stars... they're just like us.

In light of recent conversations about changes at Food Network, some more fodder:

Food Network and Rachael Ray have agreed to a two-year deal for a new primetime series, Rachael’s Vacation launching in January 2008, as well as 60 new episodes per year of popular daytime series 30 Minute Meals, it was announced today by Brooke Johnson, President, Food Network. Additional terms of the arrangement were not disclosed...“Rachael is the quintessential example of the homegrown stars we create at Food Network,” said Johnson. “She has been with us since 2001 and we have built a strong partnership that will continue for years to come and bring more new and exciting projects.”