Big Pig, Little Bullet.

T: Is back-- this time, for dudes. Thus, the mantry. When the cinetrix first uttered the word across the breakfast table, I thrilled to the possibilities of a pantry for men. I considered a granite-topped jerky safe, or possibly a stainless steel grid to store chiles in ascending order of radness, right next to the periodic table of bourbon. No such luck. Instead, as T: editor, Hesser appears to be using her minions to carry our her sinister schemes. Like much Hesserania, there is a fundamentally sound culinary idea buried in a narrative context that makes you wish you could forget how to read.  True to form, this article is an heptathalon of dumb:

While plenty of celebrities boast of their eco-friendly Priuses, there are some alpha A-listers who would rather accessorize with a bolt-action rifle. The British shoot-'em-up director Guy Ritchie has taken aim at everything from wild boar to clay pigeons. Kurt Russell tracks game and then donates his quarry to charity. And the N.R.A. rocker Ted Nugent likes bagging and cooking wild game so much that he penned a cookbook, ''Kill It & Grill It.''

Who likes to hunt? You know, celebrities, like uh, Guy Ritchie, Kurt Russell and Ted Nugent. Also, does this mean Kurt will be leading a safari to feed the victims of Katrina? No disrespect to the Nuge, Mr. Hawn, or Mr. Ciccone, but this trio sounds more like a winning diagonal on Hollywood Squares then a cross-section of Hollywood opinion leaders, but whatever.

It might seem like a little too much red state/red meat for your appetite, but tuck into a tender, mildly gamey dish of pappardelle al cinghiale at a restaurant like Avec in Chicago, and you'll never order the vegetarian special again. Of course, you can skip the hunt, but turning wild boar into sauce requires as much patience as stalking your prey.

What planet is Mr. Shwaner-Albright living on? Pappardelle al cinghiale at a trendy Chicago boite sounds a little "red state"? I would encourage this journalist to buy fried chicken livers in a styrofoam cup at a gas station outside Columbia, South Carolina if he is interested in an intense "red state" gustatory experience. But you can create this treat in your safe blue home, with just a minor investment:

Five-quart enameled cast-iron Dutch oven. A good piece of enameled cast iron will cost you, but you shouldn't braise in anything less sturdy: it's indestructible, and the thick cast iron absorbs and radiates heat like nothing else. Le Creuset is the standard, though Staub has a sleek, masculine look. Try Le Creuset's 5.5-quart ($173) and Staub's 5-quart ($190). Both at Broadway Panhandler (212-966-3434).

The astonishing conceit of this article emerges: you can go from speed-dialing Domino's to rocking the pappardelle overnight with just a trip to the Panhandler. Make no mistake, a good Staub or Creuset Dutch oven is nice to have--I'd practically have married Melissa Rivers instead of my lovely and talented spouse as long as one of these was part of the spoils. However, even if you forgo the sleek, masculine route and settle for the Creuset, 5 1/2 seems a bit on the small side, and certainly, before you spend $175 on a pot, you might should know what deglazing is. Or not:

Wood spatula Use it for deglazing -- that's when you pour wine or stock into a pan and scrape up the browned bits. The bamboo ''wok spatula'' is $3 at Broadway Panhandler.

The concept in this column seems to be a new front in Hesser's mission civilatrice: "In 'Mantry'  we will take knuckle-dragging sub-huffers, and turn them into metrosexual automatons who will cheerfully make us the most involved of pasta sauces!"  But between you and the Cod, if you are not familiar with "deglazing,"  you might want to putter around with handmedown Revereware and domestic swine before you leap to this dish. You might, say, warm up by making some stock:

Stock Boxed stock is the next best thing to homemade; stay away from canned (MSG) and bouillon cubes (salt). Chicken stock by Imagine is $2.29 a quart at Whole Foods Market.

For something this involved,  it would seem a shame to use stock-in-a-box, but there are bigger fish to fry, or shoulders to braise:

Wild boar If you don't have a .222-caliber rifle and a free weekend, then ask a good butcher, and he'll get a nice cut with two days' notice. Florence Prime Meat Market in the West Village charges around $7 a pound (212-242-6531); Staubitz in Cobble Hill, Brooklyn, $10 a pound (718-624-0014); or Citarella, $9 a pound (212-874-0383).

Call me a fussbudget, but  it appears that our fair author chose .222 caliber because it sounds cool, and wanted to work in another hunting ref, as the premise of the article is manliness, because it is T: for men. I am not an expert,  but I would consider something a bit larger for hunting boar. Hunting giant Cabela's appears to have only one round available in this size, and the next size up is suggested for "varmints." And Cabela's suggests "V-Shok Varmint loads for maximum velocities and large terminal wound channels." A "large terminal wound channel" is not what will have the ladies asking for seconds on the cinghiale. A quick call to my man Don at Locust Creek Outfitters elicted the opinion "A .222 is much too small. It would bounce right off a wild boar." It is a minor thing, in that not many readers of T: for men will grab a rifle and go hunt a boar instead of ringing Dean and DeLuca, but it suggests that same  indifference to facts recently dubbed "Bullshit." If you did this, you don't want just to piss off the boar. Also, gun folks are notoriously detail-oriented--just ask Michael Bellesiles. All this aside, it looks like an awfully tasty fall dish, and one I'd try if I had means, motive, and opportunity. 

Comments

[DoubleMan]

http://www.barrettrifles.com/

That's what I use when boar-hunting.

[Skeen]

Come on, 'Fesser -- are you trying to tell me that you got MARRIED and didn't manage to get any Creuset out of it??? What else are weddings and relatives good for?
'Fess up, 'Fesser.

[Fesser]

We did. The sentence was unclear. What I meant was that I would even have married a harridan like Melissa Rivers, instead of my foxy wife, as long as I still got the Creuset. We did, and I think of J,J, & Iz when we use the orange one and PQ when we use the red one, which is frequently. (The latter was in connection with my man shower, but that is a story for another time.)

[max]

I'm about 99% sure that you hunt boar with a shotgun, for obvs. reasons. What a bunch of pussies.

(Check Amazon for the Creuset. I've gotten some great deals from them over the years -- like half off, plus free shipping, plus they throw in a little one free. But the shit is still expensive).

[Skeen]

Okay, that's a relief about the Creuset. I was worried for a minute there that you might have to do the whole damn thing over again -- and this time, nix the crystal.

I second the Amazon suggestion. Their deals are even better than what you'll get at a Le Creuset outlet (I've checked) -- though the outlet also sells seconds, which Amazon (I hope?) does not.