THE GURGLING COD

Col. Beauregard Rimbaud

Ok, late on this one, but kudos to Sam Mason for splitting the difference between dissolute cashiered Confederate officer, and dissolute French Symbolist poet, and looking good doing it. And bonus for the look that says "I will fill your teenage daughter full of absinthe, then leave her with only an esoteric venereal disease and a lock of my pompadour to remember me by."

Tyler Florence -- The Great Communicator

Suddenly, everyone is rising up against the Golden Clog Mafia:

Following Richman's revenge on Bourdain, Tyler Florence (who won the Rocco Award at the Golden Clogs) decides to join the fray: "I think that salacious, chef attack thing that Gordon Ramsey and Tony Bourdain do all the time is a shtick. I think people are tired of hearing it. With Tony, it's like... those who can't teach, criticize [others]. I don’t know what he does honestly. When it’s all about ripping up another chef, you should rise above it." [FN Fans via Serious Eats]

It's like at the end of Harriet the Spy, when the kids find Harriet's notebook, and band against her. Except not. For one thing, questions of just how perky Tony's shtick is, not clear how telling him his shit is tired is part of a plan to "rise above it. More to the point, would that it were actually a "salacious" attack -- my best guess is that Tyler meant scurrilous, or something like that -- but a salacious attack on a chef, like maybe Tony attempts the lamabada upon an unwitting Tyler, or Gordo goes all night at the Roxbury on Bobby Flay -- there are people who would pay to watch that. Not many, but some.

In any case, the Golden Clog fallout is a blessing, in that the various slapfights it's provoked are practically the only thing keeping Eater from becoming  wall to wall coverage of the Ko reservation system.
Sure.

One spicy meatball

Good news from Rome, via Lizabeta -- lawn jockeys, who fell into disfavor in the US thanks to the whims of a fickle public, are finding work in the Italian hospitality industry:

Squeeze my DI/DO, til the juice runs down my leg

A few odds and ends that escaped initial online perusal thrust themselves forward during and actual perusal of the actual fishwrap:
1) With close ties to the pickle community,  I guess I'm happy  that the tide of brine lifts all boats, and suchlike, but seems like the pickle sickle either got a raw deal from Flo Fab or needs to tweak its marketing material. I'll blame the "deconstructed" headline on the Times -- my lonely struggle against retarded misuse of this term is well-documented, but it's not as clear where this idea "fresh-squeezed" pickles come from. To clarify, these are preserved vegetables, (i.e. not fresh) shipped by mail order (i.e. not fresh either) -- "fresh" here is not so much inaccurate as irrelevant.

2) Sort of nit-picky and a little bit trainspotty, but this is a blog after all -- in the print edition, the image accompanying the lamb is the only one without a photo credit. Interestingly, this image also turns up on Dean and DeLuca's site, I imagine this thing happens frequently, but had not noticed it quite like this. Someone with a keener journalistic and visual sense than I would be better equipped to address this question, but it seems at least a tiny bit dubious to run a foto of a food item that was styled and shot by the vendor. Considering that the other 3 items in this week's Food Stuff are credited to Tony Cenicola, would it be that hard to get a shot of the actual lamb, rather than relying on D&D?

3) Finally, and continuing yesterday's gripe -- read the damn Pure Food and Drug Act, the legislation (putatively) inspired by Upton Sinclair's The Jungle. What The Jungle has to say about animal welfare is what the PF&DA has to say about animal welfare, which is what Daniel Plainview has to say about animal welfare, which is to say, sweet fuck all. So if  actually "someone gave Upton Sinclair a video camera and a Web link," the chances are that he would probably use it to find ways to talk about how capitalism sucks balls, that is to say, chews up families, etc.
To clarify, there are things about the meat industry that are bad for its material (animals) and things that are bad for its labor (people) these are not the same. The dude in the video waltzing the downer cow with a forklift might have a sick dental plan, for all we know, and conversely, there could be some poor undocumented soul getting RSI slaughtering heritage turkeys that got to spend a year at Wesleyan before they got shanked by some poor undocumented soul. Ironically, the article concludes with a hint at its own betrayal of Sinclair with its penultimate graf:

With research, legal fees, production costs and accommodations, an investigation can cost as much as $67,000, Ms. Newkirk said. And investigators who work for the Humane Society and PETA say it is getting tougher to get hired at plants because managers are increasingly suspicious of applicants who don’t fit the profile of the typical slaughterhouse worker, often a Spanish-speaking immigrant.

So, its hard to go undercover to help save the cows, because PETA folk have a hard time passing as meatpacking laborers, because all of the laborers are "often a Spanish-speaking immigrant"? Is there not more than one problem here? I care about humanely raised meat, but I also think that Upton Sinclair was onto something when he showed how Packingtown chews up families and spits them out. I care about cows, but I care about Mexicans, too.

Tainted Meat

Not my usual domain, but as I live with someone with an ANTM problem, I did catch last night's episode. For those who missed it, or are not familiar with the program, America's Next Top Model seems more and more like a really shitty cult with every cycle. Girls with no legitimate shot at modelhood are humiliated by Tyra and a cadre of minions who seem focused on reinforcing the idea that gay men are innately misogynistic. But last night, the panties and neckpieces of meat seemed to plumb a new depth. The only followup I can imagine is a trip to the Windy City and an exclusive photo session with R. Kelly!

The Jungle, Baby

I have not looked to see if Kim Severson has an Amazon wishlist, but if she does, now would be the time to add the handsome new edition of Upton Sinclair's The Jungle on it. It's a lonely crusade against a century of misreading this novel has endured, but Sinclair's point is the cruelty to people inherent in capitalism, circa 1906, not icky meatpacking plants. An undercover vegan with a concealed video camera does not a socialist reformer make. The Pure Food and Drug act was a red herring. It's not that hard to suss out. Read the book, see all the other bad stuff that happens to Jurgis and his family, and decide for yourself.

Cochon

I had lunch at Cochon. If you prefer your appraisals of popular New Orleans restaurants larded with references to Blazing Saddles, skip Bruni's take on Cochon, and head over to Serious Eats.

Technical KO

A Facebook status update from a visible member of NYC's food establishment got me to thinking. The update claimed that the person in question was holding off on the Wire finale, in hopes of beating the automated reservation system at Ko. Given the givens, it's possible the update was tongue-in-cheek, but if Ko reservations a) continue to be in demand, and b) are really totally first-come, first served, it will make reviews* of Ko sort of chancy. Rather than the usual suspects, we may all be at the mercy whatever lucky sap with a Blogger account and a digital Elph. Considering that Chang is the Lily Allen of NYC dining -- a legitimate talent borne aloft on a tidal wave of blog adulation, it seems kind of appropriate** Yes, a blog post about at Facebook status update about an automated reservations system. We now return you to the world of flesh and blood, and not a moment too soon.

*Reviews, rather than "Yeah, I was at the soft open" type posts.

**But without  much  of the backlash that seems to afflict blogtastic bands. Which reminds me of a joke:

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Vampire Weekend.

Fuck Vampire Weekend.

Ride Your Bike

A worthy petition crossed my desk:

We would like a 'Bike There' feature added to Google Maps - to go with the current 'Drive There' and 'Take Public Transit' options.
The feature would take into account actual bicycle lanes from the locality being mapped, and it would automatically plan a route for a bicyclist, possibly even providing the cyclist options for either the most direct route, or the most bicycle-friendly (safest) route. The Google Maps-based third party site, byCycle.org (http://byCycle.org/), provides these features for two metro areas - Portland, Oregon and Madison, Wisconsin, and there are countless other mapping initiatives around the world aimed at accomplishing the same goal. We hope that Google will consider building this feature into the core Google Maps service.

You do not have to be Peter Hoffman riding around town on his lowrider bicycle like some latter-day green Ben Franklin to see the utility here, but it  does raise a few  questions. The "safest" option  implies less  safe options, which suggests that there are routes, which while legal, are not safe. In real life, this is true, but institutionalizing the notion that it is incumbent upon cyclists to find routes where they are not, you know, interfering with real traffic, rather than for motorists to recognize that bikes exist. It is a different iteration of the problem I have with bike lanes, in that while they are universally ignored by motorists, they undermine the right of cyclists to ride on roads where there are not bike lanes.
Cyclists can disagree on the question of bike lanes, but not on the Flavor Channel:
The Flavor Channel_"Ride_Your_Bike" Plexicom, 1998

Friday Cheese*

As Juvenal once asked, who badgers the Badgers? Other  Badgers is who:

Many campus movements aim to boycott certain products. In Wisconsin, a state representative has introduced legislation that would bar any University of Wisconsin campus or state agency acting on behalf of a campus from purchasing cheese or “prepared food product” containing cheese — unless all of the cheese is manufactured or processed in Wisconsin. An aide to State Rep. Jeff Smith, the sponsor, said that while no data are available, the lawmaker has confirmed that some Wisconsin campuses are serving out-of-state cheese. Student opinion appears to be divided — at least judging unscientifically from op-eds in The Badger Herald of the University of Wisconsin at Madison. Bassey Etim, a senior, in a column called “Wisconsin cheese not just about pride; it affects the whole damn planet,” argues that buying out-of-state cheese reflects the waste of American society where food is shipped thousands of miles away while local products are overlooked. Etim also does cite the pride factor, writing that “when visiting Dairy State-funded universities, no one expects to eat Californian or that godforsaken New York cheese.” But Tim Williams, another senior, argues in “No matter how tasty, cheese won’t solve problems” that giving Wisconsin cheese producers a monopoly is inappropriate, and that the state and its university system have more serious needs than giving more of an edge to the home-state dairy industry. Williams offers this advice: “Wear the cheesehead with pride, Wisconsin — just as long as there’s a brain underneath.”       

Is there a word that means interesting but silly? Beyond creating a business opportunity in the form of a black market for Cabot Extra Sharp for Badgers who want to know what a grilled cheese should taste like, the heart of this in the right place -- maybe. In terms of volume, and, you know, teachable moments, college dining halls are an appealing opportunity for local food advocates, viz, St. Alice's Chapel at Yale. However, this seems to be dairy protectionism masquerading as an eat local initiative, and points to the odd role that state boundaries play in this discussion -- in food mile terms, a cheese consumer in Racine would be better off with cheese from Illinois, Iowa, Michigan, or Indiana than from Iron River, but it is the role of a state agriculture department to promote state agriculture, rather than local agriculture.**
*Vaya con  dios, Mr. Favre. The Cod is not a Packers fan, always had a little bit of a soft spot for #4 (football edition), because, he a) always seemed to be having more fun on the field than anyone else in the league, and b) magically transformed from brash gunslinger to grizzled veteran with no intermediate stage.
**This is a minor quibble compared to my ongoing dismay that my local supermarket ships goat cheese from California, rather than from the nice ladies down the road.