Someone's in the kitchen with Poe.

I know these are not the best of times for the newspaper racket, but Sam Sifton's agit is spilling into the receipts:
1. The morning or ideally the day before cooking, prepare the dough. Using a hand whisk, combine the flours, yeast and salt in the bowl of an electric mixer. Switch to a wooden spoon and stir in 1 1/2 cups cold water and olive oil until a rough dough forms. Set the bowl on the mixer and, using the paddle attachment, mix on low speed for 1 minute. Increase the speed to high and beat for 4 to 6 minutes, until it becomes a wet and vaguely menacing mass. (If it forms into a ball, lower the mixer speed to medium-high. If not, stop the mixer to scrape down the sides once.)
Vaguely menacing? With more time and talent, I would write the dialogue I imagine between Sifton and Dough, which I imagine would read like a version of the "Tell-Tale Heart" as retold by Steingarten. Feel free to have a crack at it in the comments. It is, after all, just another Guiteau Monday.

Comments

[Samson]

I tried to keep my pie hole shut. I did.

I can't do the Poe thing. However.

First, what is with Jay Mac intro? How did that get through? I know he tried to get Jay M to be reviewer when Grimes reassigned, but is there more to it? So odd. Maybe Rielle Hunter? Kidding. Really.

What happened to the Sam Sifton who wrote a great story and recipe for chicken under a brick 15 or so years ago in the NY Press (when it was actually pretty good), plus a great attack on the meritocracy of alternate publishing around the same time.

And yes agreed, the menace of food is tiresome. Figurative language in recipes is tricky anyway. Don't try to be cute.

And: is he using a Kitchenaid? Loser.

And: Steingarten? 15 years ago? Why is an adaptation of a 15 year old recipe by a guy who might (or might not) still write for Vogue, and who can be found of a morning listening to castrati and sipping weak Hock and seltzer ... why is that the go-to recipe for pizza dough?

Okay, gonna go recite Serenity Prayer and not worry about who might have written it. It wasn't W.C. Handy.

Next up: on Ratios.

[Marco]

Samson's comments have obliterated any sense of anything sensual or otherwise. Be that as it may, I vote for our pizza a la casa. I haven't had better. The dough never resembles that scary thing that he describes. It is always a nascent ball ripe for the fires of our GE oven with a stone at bottom. Revelatory pizzas have emerged from its humble racks.

[Merry]

I also thought that was quite funny and can't imagine how dough could be menacing. I am trying though.

[CR CONDOS]

Ohhhh, how can i say about the good kitchen!? it's the best of the best!!!!!!!
Love the red ones, the white ones, the green ones and even the black ones!!!!
I Love The Kitchens!!!!!!!!