The Onion = Nostradamus?

The Gurgling Cod is probably not alone in having a few old stray anthologies from The Onion kicking around the house, and also probably not alone in finding them the kind of books that work best when flipped through on the toilet. Increasingly, however, reading satire from the early Oughts feels like reading prophecy. In 2001, The Onion reported:
After a decade of aggressive expansion throughout North America and abroad, Starbucks suddenly and unexpectedly closed its 2,870 worldwide locations Monday to prepare for what company insiders are calling "Phase Two" of the company's long-range plan.
And now, in 2009, stealth Starbuckses:

Last Friday a cute new coffee shop opened in Seattle, dubbed "15th Avenue E Coffee and Tea"--it's one of those unique places that are being beaten out of business by big nasty Starbucks. Wait a second, it is a Starbucks. And it's right there on the front window--the olde worlde-looking painted store sign says "15th Ave E Coffee and Tea...Inspired by STARBUCKS." It is, in fact, a low-profile, camouflaged stealth Starbucks store. And it's part of a new Starbucks business model that will see stores without the trademark global styling, and interiors that are more of a return to the traditional coffeehouse. Some of them may even, astonishingly, sell wine or beer and host live music and poetry readings.

The irony is that the slogan "inspired by Starbucks" is a 180 degree variation on the truth. Rather than an indie chain w/ indie amenities that aspires to be more like, say, one of the latte abattoir Starbucks at the Chesapeake or Maryland House rest areas, it's a chain coffee house inspired by the independent coffee houses it's been kudzuing out of business for years. That said, if your neighborhood can't keep a real coffee shop in business in the face of a Starbucks challenge, either your neighborhood does not deserve an independent coffee shop, or the independent coffee shop wasn't very good.

Comments

[Sorbet Trio]

Back in like 1999, the company opened a couple of short-lived crypto-Starbuckses in California, called Circadia.

The one I tried was an excruciating attempt to appear '90s hip, with vintage armchairs, poetry readings, liquor, and the word Starbucks nowhere in sight.