Balk's on his Bolognese pony.

Anchowerish here, what with the day job kicking my ass. (The same people who change tables in restaurants also have children they send to college, it turns out.) But, when the Awl is not outreporting the fishwraps on the Target H8s Gays story, Balk is dropping Bolognese science. Balk writing a recipe is kind of like Judy Davis after 5 shots of cheap mezcal -- still exacting, but also kind of abusive: 

Finally, the tomatoes. Figure out how thick you want your sauce. You want it ragu style? Get one can. You want it a little more liquidy? Two cans. Either way, you are REQUIRED BY ME to be using a 28 ounce can (or cans) of whole, peeled San Marzano tomatoes. In this matter there can be no dispute. If you find yourself unable or unwilling to use San Marzano tomatoes I refuse to allow you to make my Bolognese. Seriously. Get out of the kitchen and go take a good, hard look at yourself in the mirror. Ask yourself, "Why am I such a fuckhead that I refuse to use San Marzano tomatoes? Am I the sorriest son of a bitch God ever put upon His green earth?" Nod twice to confirm to yourself that you are. Then go to the Olive Garden, because you'll almost certainly love it, and after the realization that you are the sorriest son of a bitch God ever put upon His green earth you could probably use some cheering up.

 If you are a giant nerd, it's fun to imagine what it would be like if the Zuni cookbook were written in this voice: 

First get a chicken. NOT THAT ONE! Not a Perdue Oven Stuffer Roaster shot full of more hormones than RuPaul! Lisa Bonet would not fuck that chicken on her PPV comeback special! Get a free range, air chilled bird, 3-4 lbs. Jesus. 

Comments

[Rose's Lime]

I'm sorry, but WHAT FUCKIN IDIOT PUTS 2 CANS OF TOMATOS IN A BOLOGNASE? It's from Bologna! Where they eat meat! You know meat, from a cow, or a pig or a veal, not a plant! You should lean over the pot very low and whisper "tomato" over it, or if you absolutely have to, take one or maybe -MAYBE two tomatoes, peeled by your scalded fucking hands after dunking them in boilng water (or canned if it's not, like, August, like it is now and people are literally giving tomatoes away even in Brooklyn or wherever the fuck you are) and seeded within an inch of their life. Dice them till they're practically liquid and throw them in with all the fucking meat. There. Was that so hard, Mister the San Marazano cans look so pretty all white and red?

(Oh, and I agree on the wine)

[Skeen]

I agree with Rose's Lime.

You can make a tomato sauce with meat, but don't call it Bolognese.

[Marco]

This guy should write for The National Enquirer's DI/DO section. I used to order San Marzano tomatoes from Brooklyn until I found the same ones right down the road a piece. The guy taking my order once told me that the DOC award seal on the can was in fact true. The Vatican used to order them too. He then related that he tells his customers that his tomatoes are the ones that killed the Pope.