THE GURGLING COD

Guiteau Monday, The World's Largest Cocktail Party Hangover Ed.

The Cod has returned relatively unscathed from a visit to The World's Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party. As an addition to the Shitshow Bucketlist, TWLOCP can definitely hang witip h Mardi Gras, Derby infield, Indy 500 infield, the Head of the Charles,  etc. Hand to God, there was a trailer hitch stripper pole/trampoline hybrid. 

The most alarming thing, however, came from the folks at Miracle Whip, recently seen suggesting that hating on Miracle Whip = being homophobic, or something. There were foks going around handing out little sandwiches, looking like they should belong to some sort of cult, but a really shitty cult, because they were shitty little sandwiches. Little, b/c served inside koozies, and shitty, b/c made with Miracle Whip. Even considering that TWLOCP foodshed approaches The Road depths (the Cod may or may not have feigned support for Romney to cadge a hot dog from adjacent College Republicans), this was an easy snack to say no to, esp in consideration of the message on the koozie. Bad advice in general, especially so in Jacksonville.  Stay tuned for better food news soon, and those of you in Sandy's wheelhouse stay safe on this Guiteau Monday. 

A poppin' fresh Guiteau Monday

This guy: 

Now it is we are afraid of the doughboy. Also, can we all agree to be adults about pumpkin stuff? 

Ohio dining?

Foc Serena Golden has a review of Constance Baumgardner Gee's memoir of her life w/ ex-husband Gordon Gee, president of Ohio State, Brown, Vanderbilt, and OSU again. For higher ed nerds, this is a publishing event unlikely to outstrip the Giamatti/Rose book, but the lede raises a question: 

During the divorce proceedings between Constance Bumgarner Gee and her now-ex husband, the famously peripatetic university president E. Gordon Gee, the judge asked Constance Gee whether she’d like to change her name.

“I declined,” Gee writes in her new memoir, “thinking ‘Gee’ might be a bit more useful than ‘Bumgarner’ for local restaurant reservations.” (Gordon Gee, now in his second run as president of Ohio State University, was then chancellor of Vanderbilt University.)

Are there restaurants in Columbus, OH that are that tough of a rez? Or does that Big 10 swagger translate to FOH people in NYC or Yountville? 

Please Kill Me: The Christopher Kimball Story

The NYT profiled joyless food mandarin Christopher Kimball. Not exactly a puff piece, but tough to figure why to bother with Kmball in 2012.* Even tougher to figure is this quotation: 

The food writer Francis Lam told me: “There’s always been something punk rock about Cook’s Illustrated. It spoke to me as a young culinary-school student, because it was all about the food. No cool-looking people, no rustic farm tables — who else is doing that?”

Implausible, but after some digging, we did uncover some scraps from an unpublished oral history of Kimball and Cooks':

Legs McNeill: "It would have been back in, oh, '77, when Chris and his girlfriend were squatting in that loft, and Cooks Illustrated was a typed newsletter that Nancy would clandestinely mimeograph. One August weekend, Chris and Nancy made 32 different versions of beef stroganoff, and wanted us to try them all. When we pointed out that a) it was August, and b) nobody really likes stroganoff that much in the first place, Kimball stabbed Richard Hell in the neck with a broken Heineken bottle. 

John Leland: "In January of '78, Malcolm McLaren managed to get Chris a pilot on PBS. It was a fiasco. First he spends a solid half hour talking about ricotta cheese in order to prove that the Stop & Shop brand was better for lasagna than the more expensive import. Then he freaks out and tests santoku knives by carving Nancy's name into his forearm seven different times. There was blood everywhere." 

Hilly Kristal: "Toward the end, it got pretty bad with Chris and Nancy. She'd wander around the East Village, covered with reduced fat sour cream. Kimball kept trying to use the walk-in at the club to store brining turkeys, but he'd forget all about them, then freak out and claim we had stolen them."

I will stop now, and am generally a fan of Lam, but her his comment only makes sense where "Punk Rock" means "joyless precision achieved through endless repetition." Maybe Kimball is, in fact, the New Order of the cooking magazine game? (Thanks, as always to Ms. Penny Pascal, of whom more soon, for Peerless Photoshopping.)  We'll leave you with a different punk rock food take: 

 

*Also, am I the only one w/ a parent or older relative who has seen them end up in a situation of borderline mail fraud? If you get the mag, you get offers for books, and if you get one book, it's hard to get the books to stop coming, seems like. 

Nashville Husk, or 550 miles is a long way from farm to fork?

Was initially surprised to hear of plans for a Husk outpost in Nashville. The Cod is on the record as a fan of H. Sean Brock's work, but given that his thing is an intense focus on the local, it's odd to see him open a place that is 550 miles from his two Charleston places that are within a stone's throw of one another. I could imagine a similarly-conceived restaurant engaging w/ the foodshed of western TN as opposed to coastal SC, but it seems bad for the brand to slap the same name on it. 

On the other hand, it might not be Brock's call. Husk and McReady's are owned by the Neighborhood Restaurant Group, which also owns two non-Brock properties, and the owners may well have a different vision of Husk than the chef does. More than one chef-owner has reminded me that Brock is not a chef-owner, and the existence of Husk Nashville may be evidence of that heirloom chicken coming home to roost. 

One Star Yelp Reviews of Restaurants The Gurgling Cod enjoys: Farm 255 ed.

Yes, Kimball I know. Waiting on artwork. But! Betimes, in the wake of the OSYROMSR posts of one-star Yelp reviews of Michelin-starre restaurants the Cod does not get to visit very often, I thought it would be fun to look a little closer to home. With Whitney Otawka at the help, Farm 255 in Athens, Ga has emerged as one of my favorites. Otawka is an Acheson vet, staged w/ St. Tom, and is serious but not pedantic about her food. The cinetrix and I had a chance to look in yesterday, had a ridiculous egg thing, absurd homemade ricotta, a delicious charcuterie plate, etc. I find it hard to imagine not enjoying a meal here, but it can be done, if you're Tina P! 

Not impressed.  We had a reservation for new years eve where the menu was set.  This is the only time I have ever been here so my opinion is a bit biased, but nothing on the menu was worth the price.  We had a table of ten so everything on the menu was ordered and shared...and not a single thing was worth the $30 per plate price (just for the a-la-carte main course not including sides and libations)...my tummy was still growling after dinner....it's too bad bc I was very excited to try the "farm to fork" concept...but everybody was very disappointed...and after a hefty $80 check per couple, we ended up at 5 guys stuffing our starving faces with cheeseburgers.

Wow. A $40/guest total on New Year's Eve and you're not Cheesecake Factory full? Call Amnesty International. People who review Kroger and their dentist on Yelp may not dig Farm 255, but I recommend it for the rest of you. 

Food Network, making it an easy Guiteau Monday

Sometimes, life gives you a gift, like a ready-made Guiteau Monday post that's as easy as command-C, command-V: 

EIGHT MULTI-TALENTED CELEBRITIES ANNOUNCED FOR NEW SEASON OF RACHAEL VS. GUY: CELEBRITY COOK-OFF Season Two premieres Sunday, January 6th, 2013 at 9pm ET/PT on Food Network  Rachael Ray and Guy Fieri return to coach their teams for ultimate bragging rights

NEW YORK - October 15, 2012 - The cast of the second season of Food Network primetime seriesRachael vs. Guy: Celebrity Cook-Off is revealed with a roster of star-studded and diverse competitors, which battle it out in this fast-paced and fun culinary competition. The all-star lineup includes: Chilli (member of pop/R&B group TLC), Gilbert Gottfried (actor, comedian), Cornelia Guest (designer, author, philanthropist), Dean McDermott (actor, reality television star), Kathy Najimy (actress, Sister Act), Hines Ward (former NFL player; Super Bowl Champion and MVP), Carnie Wilson (singer, Wilson Phillips) andJohnny Weir (two-time Olympic Figure Skater, three-time U.S. National Champion).This 6-episode, top-rated series, once again features Emmy®-winning talk show host and Food Network icon Rachael Ray and best-selling cookbook author and successful restaurateur Guy Fieri, as they coach and mentor the eight multi-talented celebrities. The second season premieres on Sunday, January 6th, 2013 at 9pm ET/PT. In Rachael vs. Guy: Celebrity Cook-Off, the contestants are divided into Team Rachael and Team Guy, as they face intense weekly challenges that are sure to have them working, fighting and laughing along the way. The losing team must send its two bottom-rated contestants to face off against each other, with one member sent home each week. The last celebrity standing at the end of the season wins bragging rights and a cash donation to their favorite charity. Season one winner was Lou Diamond Phillips for Team Rachael.     Rachael vs. Guy: Celebrity Cook-Off is produced by Jane Street Entertainment.

 

Pete Wells would like to tell you a joke

Pete Wells is tired of eating like a Chinaman screws. In re the tasting menu explosion he writes:

In the hands of a chef who grasps the challenges and possibilities of the form, a tasting menu can yield a succession of delights that a shorter meal could never contain.

At other times, though, the consumer of such a meal may feel as much like a victim as a guest. The reservation is hard won, the night is exhausting, the food is cold, the interruptions are frequent. The courses blur, the palate flags and the check stings.

 

Sorority snaps from the Cod, who has usually enjoyed meals of three courses more than meals of seven. Perversely, the better the chef, the greater the law of diminishing returns as the courses pile on -- its as much a question of running out of room in your brain as running out of room in your stomach. 

 

One Star Yelp Reviews of Michelin Starred Restaurants, French Laundry ed

Thanks to my homies in the Bay Area for showing some love for OSYROMSR. There ain't nobody who responsd positively to constructive criticism like a Cali chef, so let's take a look at what the Yelpers had to say about TK's flagship, French Laundry.

First and foremost, kudos to Lara L for demonstrating that there is nothing you can't mommyjack: 

Congratulations, Lara L! 

As an Eater commenter suggested, some of the dings may be from folks who have never eaten there. But Tanya T. can't make stuff like this up: 

I had asked for the meat to be well done, came to me very rare. I had to send it back for more fire. My date's meal sat there getting cold - they didn't offer to take it and keep it warm until mine came back out.

Oh, dear.

Then there's the guy who says the food at FL tastes like a "sweaty dog's taint," and many, many onestars from folks who have not gotten into FL, and use Yelp to complain that it's hard to get into. Related is thisguy: "I'll preface this review by saying that I'm comparing FL to El Bulli, Next, and Alinea.  (I've eaten at all of these)." Good for you, Kyle R! I say "related" b/c the simultaneous emergence of Yelp and molecular gastronomy appears to foster a culture of trophy restaurants, where there are a handful of restaurants worldwide where the demand for meals vastly outstrips the supply, b/c, I suspect, it's easy for a certain kind of diner (the kind who brags about where he's eaten), to understand the prestige of molecular gastronomy. I've never eaten at a Thomas Keller restaurant, and avoid Yelp whenever I can, but it does appear that there is a significant cohort of folks who would never consider eating at French Laundry were it not for Yelp, who know MUST eat at French Laundry, so they can talk about it on Yelp. 

 

One Star Yelp Reviews of Michelin Starred Restaurants, Eleven Madison Park Edition

People seem to enjoy these, so, Eleven Madison Park. The Cod has actually eaten here. Good stuff. The big knock on 11Mad is a) cost b) small portions. The closest Cheesecake Factory is in Hackensack, so I can see how this could be a problem. But beyond delivering value-sized portions, keeping on top of a three stars from Bib and four from  the NYT is never easy, and even a chef like Daniel Humm can lose track of a detail here or there. It turns out that Chef Humm is not keeping his cocktail servers sexually satisfied - which makes them surly when dealing with indecisive patrons like Sasha B: 

Our (cocktail) waitress greeted us in a timely fashion, and handed us our menu, including both drinks and the a la carte dinner menu... I reviewed the cocktail menu briefly and inquired about the "bar tenders selection - $15" She proceeded to ask what I typically drink. When I stated I can like anything form Gin, to Vodka to Bourbon in a drink, she impolitely encouraged me to review the cocktail list and she'd return for my order. She neglected to make any suggestions and seemed very annoyed by my question...

10 minutes go by... Me: "how are our drinks coming along?"
the waitress (that needs to get laid): "when they're ready, they'll arrive on your table!"
Me: "Oh, Thank you!"

5 more minutes.... our drinks finally arrive....

It is possible for people of good will to disagree on the value that a high end restaurant meal represents, but there is an emerging concensus that there are some terrible, terrible people on Yelp, even among the Yelp Elite.