Cleveland hates YOU

Let me count the ways. The hed reads 

6 Delicious New Eats Now Available at First Energy Stadium (Just in Time for the Cleveland Browns Season Opener)

But Jesus: 

1) Food Network's Sweet & Spicy Baby Back Ribs 
These babies are served at the Food Network cart, inside BrownsTown.

What could be better than BBQ whipped up by a cable TV network?

It's not even a Food Network "personality," it's just the network, cooking you baby back ribs. For one, it's a cut that not many BBQ folks I respect take seriously, and for two, even in the picture, it looks more like spare ribs from a Chinese takeout place. 

2) Pinzone's Market Fresh Meats Sausages:

The food styling struggle continues from the sweaty ribs. These could be delcious sausages, but looking at this image, I keep wondering what you call it if you do a top decker on a griddle. 

3) Fusion Rolls 
This "Soul Food Egg Roll" from Southern Fusion Restaurant in Euclid is served at the First Down Favorites locations near Sections 104, 121, 504 and 528.

A hate crime against both African-Americans and Asian-Americans.

4) Fried Mac & Cheese Balls
These gooey balls of goodness are served at the First Down Favorites locations near Sections 104, 121, 504 and 528.

Something this bad for you had better be really good, and what looks like deep fried Kraft mac and cheese is not worth pissing off your cardiologist. 

5) Grilled Cheese Pretzels
Fans can stay in their seats for this cheesy treat. It's one of the items that vendors will sell to you in the stands.

A hate crime against white people. Fair is fair. 

6) Cleveland Whiskey
Cleveland Whiskey is served at all First Energy Sportservice-operated bars.

"Cleveland whiskey"? Eat all this and wash it all down with a beverage that was almost certainly an Urban Dictionary entry before it became a brand? What could possibly go wrong? 

It is, after all, just another Guiteau Monday. HT to Princess Jinx for the link.