THE GURGLING COD

JFK (Coup d' etat)

This is why we can't have nice things.

Over the River and through the woods, to Irving St. we go?

I guess you have to move back catalog, and I guess it's harder with a dead cookbook author than with a dead rapper, b/c you can't release posthumous duets and stuff, but still, kind of a weird move from Knopf:

Yep, that's a banner advertisement on the online version of DI/DO suggesting that the answer to your Thanksgiving agit is... Julia Child? This is not quite like having Martin Luther celebrate Mass, but it's a headscratcher. Child dropped one (2 volume) cookbook that changed everything, and had a TV career that was even more infulential. TV chefs have to publish cookbooks b/c people want to buy them. Her bibliography reveals some essential titles, and some far less so. If Julia Child is the Wu-Tang Clan, then Mastering the Art of French Cooking is clearly her 36 Chambers, but there are some titles in the list that are more akin to Raekwon solo joints. The Way to Cook may be more of an Iron Flag, but I've never felt obliged to pick it up, what with a shelf full of books covering similar generalist territory. 

So, yeah, "Traditional roast turkey" is sort of the opposite of what MTAOFC was all about, but curiouser still, the livery of the Knopf advertisement, steering people toward Julia's Way to Cook, is the iconic fleur-de-lys and whatchamajig of MTAOFC. 

I have been thinking about icons and the wonkiness of our affective attachments to them at my day job, and this feels sort of similar. Anxious thanksgiving hosts fly to the pages of DI/DO in search of succor, and see the familiar face of Julia Child, click, and feel better. I would be sorry if this became a thing, as it works to reduce Julia to something like a posthumous career as a soigne 1-800-BUTTERBALL hotline. The essence of Julia's achievement was that she challenged home cooks, even as she made them feel they were up to the challenge. Situating Julia as the answer to Thanksgiving agit makes her more akin to a culinary Xanax, which is a shame. 

Frozen Poutine: The worst news for Canadians this week. Via @theweeklymeat

Just when you think you might make it to kickoff with a Monday that is Guiteau-free the forces of Terrible say "not so fast." Via FOC TWM, news of Trader Joe's frozen poutine. Frozen french fries are terrible at home. Can't imagine that either gravy (or "Beef Sauce" for Trader Joe) or cheese curds take well to freezing. It's not so much that this is something to be avoided at all costs, as an item that discredits an entire grocery chain. If they allow this to happen, who knows what what else? Is the Trader Joe's store brand of pumpkin pie spice made entirely out of ground cicada corpses? No reason to be confident the answer is no. In any case, your fair warning to keep the entire fuck away from Trader Joe's, and to remember that you can only ever hope to contain Guiteau Monday. 

God hates Fa... fast casual Italian restaurant patrons?

So, the thing where "Christian" couples stiff their gay servers, out of disapproval of their "lifestyle."* Dislike, but also, some questions:

1) In the context of eating a meal at a fast casual restaurant chain, how sure can one be of a server's sexual orientation? Is it like: "Hi! Welcome to TGI Pancho's! My name is Lisa, and I'll be your server today! Why don't you take a minute to look over the menu while I go over there and eat out my girlfriend, and I'll come back and tell you about today's specials?" 

2) If we presume that it is ok (it is not) to punish the gays economically, wouldn't the thing to do be to ask to be moved to a different section with a heterosexual server? Instead of having filthy gays handle your plates of crab rangoon, etc? Or are these Christian stiffs all "hey! our server is a catamite, we walk out of here with 18% of the check total still in our pockets, because we do not have to tip depraved sinners. Cha- CHING!" Really? 

3) In at least one case, the server was an ex-Marine. Just saying. 

The Cod's initial reaction when I saw this story was "people who voluntarily eat in fast casual Italian restaurants, not to mention "Asian bistros," feel that they have a leg to stand on when it comes to disapproving the lifestyles of others? Surprisingly though, the Italian place, Carrabba's, on paper at least, seems to  be fairly cromulent. No mention of unlimited breadsticks, and mostly recognizably Italian items on the menu. I doubt it would give Del Posto much to worry about, but it looks like it would be a better look than say, PF Chang's in an emergency. Also, out of curiosity, I took a look at the diversity tab on the website, and it appears to be an actually more thoughtful and more inclusive statement thann I would imagine: 

Our feelings are even more passionate about our people. We call them Carrabbamicos which is our name for the family members of cooks, service people, management and owners. We see their various cultures and heritages as the seasoning and spices that make our Micos exceptional contributors to our present and future success.

We equate differences with quality. We know our best planning comes from the extraordinary contributions of both women and men when they know their various viewpoints and perspectives are being appreciated and valued. Encouraging inclusive behaviors promotes acceptance over tolerance, sharing over self-interest and our desired feeling of family pride and dedication.

A little bit of HR speak sneaks in, but it seems to reflect something the president of the restaurant chain actually believes, and they did hire the waiter in the first place. 

Over the River and through the woods, to Aramark's house we go

Thanksgiving torture porn has been a thing ever since the intermission of Grindhouse, but it reaches macabre new heights this year, via the unexpected medium of the employee newsletter. 

The same sociopath who sends out an email every feb suggesting getting a room at the campus conference center for a romantic Valentine's getaway is now encouraging subcontracting campus catering to do your Thanksgiving cooking. The rest of the story here is that the Cod's day job's catering is in the steely grip of Aramark - thus what you would be saying to your guests who brave the vagaries of holiday travel to sit at your table is: "Happy Thanksgiving! I care so much about this harvest celebration that I contracted with Aramark to feed you, after a fashion!" There may be more emphatic ways to say "fuck you," but I can't think of many. 

Feast your eyes on the choices, if you dare. Because it just wouldn't be Thanksgiving without a jug of sweet tea and a red velvet cake. Seriously - forget Eli Roth, this is some Lars Von Trier stuff happening. 

 

The #1 challenge facing higher education? Stemware confusion.

A friend we will call Regina shared this. It was an invitation to faculty at a university where Regina works. Food fanciers will enjoy a classic example of the putatively fancy but still shitty menu: "Tossed salad with three dressings, dinner rolls, sun-dried tomato crusted chicken breast, etc, sliced sweet potato with maple glaze," etc. It's better than what the kids get, but still a hearty fuck you served on a steam tray. Other folks besides the 'Fesser on the higher ed grind might enjoy the unfathomable condescension of a) having an event like this and b) inviting faculty. Finally, it is delightfully self-defeating, in that it would seem to teach this university's current faculty good enough table manners to flourish at a school that treats them with just a little bit more respect.  

Mark Bittman - your early favorite for the 2014 Streep Award

As you know, the Streep Award is awarded every year to the individual who has done the most to piss all over Julia Child's life and work. The award is named after Meryl Streep and her grotesque and hamfisted portrayal of Child in the movie based on the book based on Julie Powell's blog about Child's book. The Cod will not rest until Streep is brought to justice, AKA forced to spend eternity on a Carnival cruise ship sailing between Tampa and Jacksonville performing a one-woman adaptation of Mama Mia. 

But the Streep is strong in Mark Bittman. Evidently, the way to praise one icon of American cooking is to denigrate another: 

In a way, Hazan was the anti-Julia Child, and Child had a sense of that. In a conversation shortly before her own death, Child said to me: “I don’t get the whole thing with Italian cooking. They put some herbs on things, they put them in the oven and they take them out again.” Exactly.

Exactly. Hazan exists in a universe that Child created, but whatever. It's also symptomatic of a broader problem in writing, which is that women are often presented to the public in pairs w/ some sort of presumed rivalry expressed in some sort of binary. Madonna and Cyndi Lauper, Adele and Amy Winehouse, etc. Meanwhile, men exist in more nuanced and complex constellations. But I digress, The lede is even worse, and does more of the same pairing stuff: 

Marcella Hazan, who died Sept. 29 at the age of 89, never intended to bring real Italian cooking to America. But no matter how accidental her impact, it can hardly be overstated. What Alice Waters did for restaurants, Hazan did for home cooks, demonstrating that the simple treatment of decent ingredients leads to wonderful dishes.

Say what? I have my doubts about Alice, but again, there is an order of magnitude difference, Hazan is the Diana Kennedy of Italian cooking, while Alice Waters has transformed living in Northern California into an ideology. 

Also, it's curious to read this so soon after the much discussed Time Inc sausagefest shitshow, in that Bittman's points of reference for Hazan are other female cooks/authors. It would be interesting to do a more systematic comparison, but for the sake of comparison, this remembrance of Charlie Trotter invokes a whole bunch of dudes: Grant Achatz, Wylie Dufresne, Ferran Adria, Daniel Boulud, Thomas Keller, Heston Blumenthal, Tetsuya Wakuda and Pierre Herme, and not one lady. 

More generally, is food writing really this much like the swimming pool at Bob Jones University, in that it can be occupied by men or women, but not both? 

So, Publishers Weekly runs cookbook reviews? Not really.

Via an intrepid correspondent known only as Homer, a chilling interview w/ the guy responsible for the cookbook reviews that appear in Publishers Weekly. I don't follow PW, but it's certainly a frequent source of blurbs on mass-market paperbacks, and thus a voice to be heeded in the book world. Or not, based on this account of their process. The most remarkable thing about this interview is that it exists. What Mark Rotella describes happening at Publishers Weekly is to cookbook reviewing as bleaching pig assholes is to calamari. That is to say, one does not expect the person responsible to describe the bleaching and the slicing of the pig assholes as if he were running a legitimate seafood operation. But that's about what happens here: 

Q. How important is it to read the book from cover to cover?

A. That’s a good question. I expect my reviewers to read it through. They do it a disservice otherwise.

and

Q. How many recipes should a reviewer test?

A. Because of the expense of the ingredients, we don’t formally ask reviewers to do that. Most of my reviewers will test and report what they’ve found, but it doesn’t always go in their review.

Q. Isn’t testing central to a cookbook review?

A. It is, but there are other parts of the book that are just as essential.

In a way, this complete IDGAF approach is the only thing that mitigates what seems at first like the most alarming part of this, which is that the rate for these reviews is $25 and no byline. Under the circumstances, Rotella seems to be getting about what he pays for. 

 

Have yourself a fauxtisanal little Christmas

It's only the day after Election Day, and Crassmas is upon us already. The Cod is genetically predisposed to be the gin he wants to see in the world, but this kit is sort of dopey. Microdistilling is a Thing, (though you best have your grains delivered by sail-powered barge, Mr. Bon Iver), and it seems natural that given the mythic stature of bathtub gin, not to mention the lack of aging needed, that gin would be a natural for kits for the aspiring home distiller. Thus, this kit. Unfortunately, though:

Most people don't realize that it is possible to make a small batch of gin at home without costly (and illegal) distilling equipment. In order to make your own gin, you need to purchase The HomeMade Gin Kit and an affordable bottle of vodka (not included). Then follow the enclosed instructions -- transforming the vodka into homemade gin with a rich blend of juniper berries followed by an array of carefully selected and hand weighed spices, botanicals, flowers and aromatics. 

The end result is technically gin (though of a lower quality than distilled gin, where the spirit is distilled in the presence of the botanicals), but why bother with this kit? If you want to infuse vodka (and you should), infuse vodka. If you want to build a still, well good on you, and save us a jar, unless your name is Mags Bennett. Instead, this kid seems like the first of what I imagine will be a Christmas of products designed to create the feel of making artisanal food and beverages, without all of the actual fuss. Also, fifty smacks for two empty bottles, a funnel, a strainer and some spices? Consider a handmade card with a promise to build a real still in the spring, and a gift to a local food pantry. 

Add check my French

I would be remiss not to mention this:

In the second volume of “Mastering the Art of French Cooking,” which came out in 1970, Child felt driven to give a recipe for baguette, something that Richard Olney—who comes across as the best cook and the worst snob of the group—thought absurd. Didn’t she know, Olney wondered, that in France everyone bought baguette from the boulangerie? No French cook would dream of making bread from scratch at home. But this wasn’t the point. Child felt that the baguette recipe was necessary because, in 1970, good bread was so difficult to come by in America, even in New York.

Now there’s no shortage of French artisanal bread for those with the cash to buy it. And yet we still feel a powerful nostalgia when we think of Julia Child buying her French bread inher France. 

Indeed, the NYer is famously not for the little old lady in Dubuque. However, there are, even in 2013, large swaths of the USA where French artisanal bread cannot be had unless you make it. If you've ever wanted to make fondue (who eats like that anymore?) but decided to late too make a baguette, (me, Saturday), you might take issue.