THE GURGLING COD

The Paula Deen Fatwa file

I don't have time for commentary, but I am just posting this link to Deen's "why I love to cook for men" so that it will be handy when I put together the supporting materials for declaring a fatwa.*
*Yes, I am using it in the incorrect Western sense as synonym for "death sentence." However, excited about this:
A fatwā (Arabic: فتوى‎; plural fatāwā Arabic: فتاوى‎), in the Islamic faith is a religious opinion concerning Islamic law issued by an Islamic scholar. In Sunni Islam any fatwa is non-binding, whereas in Shia Islam it could be binding, depending on the status of the scholar.
If I convert to Shiism, and get promoted to Associate, I could issue binding laws? Sweet!

Sandy and Tony...

In real life as well as here, The Gurgling Cod has a weakness for analogies, finding it difficult to express concepts without likening them to others. When, on occasion something defies this structure of thought, it's traumatic. So, help me out: N______________ is like telling a former junkie he needs a drink. Via EMD, Glitch Queen Sandra Lee responded to Bourdain's criticism of her thus:

She told OK Magazine she'd like to have Anthony Bourdain over for dinner: “He needs to have a cocktail and lighten up... I would cook him a yummy, mommy comfort food meal, like something with meat and mashed potatoes in it... It’s good comfort food. We all need good comforting.”

 It's a strange gambit for SL. The screen persona she projects is that of a praline-flavored Giacometti sculpture, so there's something offputting about the idea that she might just hike up her peach colored shell and shush Bourdain that way.
 More generally, the distance between FN and pro wrestling is ever smaller. If Jimmy "Superfly" Snuka and Adrian Adonis spent their time praising one another's conditioning and sportsmanship, nobody would watch their bouts.

Werner Herzog Cooking Show!?

As IFC points out, a Werner Herzog cooking show is a niche that's too probably too narrow for those big pitons they use at Food Net and Bravo, but as the cinetrix points out, "O.M.F.G":

Impossible

Just the other day, I reminded you that we are all prostitutes. But that goes double for this guy:

NEW YORK – May 14, 2009 – Production has begun this May on a new season of Dinner: Impossible, it was announced today by Food Network. Slated to premiere in August 2009, the series will shoot 13 new episodes throughout the spring and challenge chef Robert Irvine to overcome a new batch of culinary obstacles.

 A marvel in the kitchen, Robert overcomes culinary obstacles on Dinner: Impossible. Every Wednesday at 10pm ET/PT, he accepts a variety of missions like an extreme dinner for 200 Winter X Games athletes, preparing odd but tasty combinations of food for 450 Yahoo! employees or taking a gamble on a mission at the renowned casino at Mohegan Sun. Can he complete the task before time runs out or will it be Dinner: Impossible? 

 X-Games, Yahoo!, Mohegan Sun? Dude may be overcoming a host of culinary obstacles, but lack of corporate tieins is not one of them. The renowned casino? Brit, please. To get that taste of corporate whorishness out of the mouth, how about the relentless precision of Lizzie Mercier Descloux?

Lizzie Merceir Descloux: Mission: Impossible Press Color (Reissue) Ze, 2003

Insatiably curious

Via EMD, Grub St.  is asking the wrong question about the TV series based on Gael Greene's memoir:

It's an interesting question, but not the most urgent one. If you read Insatiable, you will remember that Greene wafted through the second half of the 20th century like Forrest Gump with a diaphragm. No sooner does she drop the name of a celeb onto the pages of her memor than she adds "oh, and yeah, I hit that." So while Elvis is a poser, (EMD's Rumer Willis in a pompadour wig is an early favorite), other conquests, such as a young Clint Eastwood, and especially Burt Reynolds pose a sterner challenge. Is there an actor working today who could pull off a ca. Man With No Name Eastwood? Even more, is there a man alive today who could bring the essence of 70s Burt Reynolds to the screen without looking like a fool?
The main issue is the mustache. There is some mysterious cutoff point where if you are younger than that, it is impossible to have a sincere mustache, I'd say roughly 1960. Born before that, you and your mustache trend towards Civil War general, born after, and you and your mustache trend towards The Cobrasnake.

Scottie Pippen has an OK Face, too.

Liz Lemon and Scottie Pippen are easy to tell apart. However, they both have a history of putatively sexy commercials for the local Chicago TV market. Thanks to EMD, who kill it on the regular like an abattoir, we have the uncut footage of the Liz Lemon phone sex commercial for 1-900-OK-Face:

But compare Scottie Pippen's aforementioned 1991 Dejuner sur L'Hardwood avec Lovabulls:

The forward and the comedienne are not so different, after all.

Hearts of Darkness -- now on NBC!

By and large, The Gurgling Cod is constitutionally incapable of watching food-based TV programming (this means that an increasing % of posts on Eater are completely opaque to me,* but I digress), however, The Feedbag is pushing the new MPW vehicle, The Chopping Block, as must see, and if the clip is any indication, and if you have been missing from your entertainment the experience of hearing portentiously lit gentlemen deliver bromides with gravitas, then yes, yes it is. If the team at NBC knows what they are about, each show will end with the remaining contestants ritually slaughtering a water buffalo, as the restaurant erupts in flames, and "The End" plays over the closing credits.

*Seriously, given that NYC is definitely among the top 3 or 4 dining cities in the USA, you'd think they could spend more time out and about, and less time watching Top Chef.

Hot links

Not boudin, but Cajunboy's got links to Bourdain's visit to New Orleans. Heat up some red beans and rice in a box, and cook up some of whatever the fuck your local market calls "andouille," and curse the Fates that prevent you from eating like Tony eats in New Orleans.

Then again on second thought...

Now and again, whatever it is I do here has its perks. Mostly getting to know people, and the odd cookbook, but also press releases. Oh, the press releases. Without them, I would not have gotten the exclusive insider news that come Monday, 12 January, more tickets to sold out events at the 2009 Food Network South Beach Wine & Food Festival will be available! A beady-eyed stickler might point out that said events are not, in fact sold out, but, it's like, South Beach, so who wants to split hairs? However, the events themselves may or may not have you hitting refresh on your browser -- a trip to the loosest slots in town with Paula Deen? I'll be at Versailles, enjoying a tiny cup of very strong coffee, thanks all the same. However, one event led me to reconsider a recent tumblr post, where I suggested that Tony Bourdain depends on the likes of Rachael Ray for his shtick, which consists of slamming Rach as the overlord of the shock troops of mediocrity. I continue to maintain that Rach and Tony are more same than different, but Ms. Ray's event is so remorselessly mediocre in its very being that it might be worth having Tony call her out on it:

Outrageous fun awaits guests at the third annual Amstel Light Burger Bash held on the beautiful beach of The Ritz-Carlton, South Beach. Kicking off the Festival, this fan favorite pits some of the country’s greatest patty purveyors against one another as they show off their grilling skills and creative juices. Mostly featuring beef – although look for a few notable and delicious exceptions – the friendly competition ends when hostess Rachael Ray tallies up the votes and announces the winner of the “People’s Choice Award.” It’s a great night to kick back with a cold one – a perfectly chilled Amstel Light, to be exact – and enjoy an amazing variety of top-notch burgers.

Burgers and Amstel Light? Outrageous! Granted there are some serious chefs throwing their hats in the ring, but why? But you can be there, for only $200, and cast your vote for the people's choice award.

Scottie enjoys a sub.

Former Bull Scottie Pippen enjoys submarine sandwiches so much that he is not averse to enjoying an impromptu picnic, right in the middle of the court:
Via Emo+Beer.