THE GURGLING COD

Have yourself a fauxtisanal little Christmas

It's only the day after Election Day, and Crassmas is upon us already. The Cod is genetically predisposed to be the gin he wants to see in the world, but this kit is sort of dopey. Microdistilling is a Thing, (though you best have your grains delivered by sail-powered barge, Mr. Bon Iver), and it seems natural that given the mythic stature of bathtub gin, not to mention the lack of aging needed, that gin would be a natural for kits for the aspiring home distiller. Thus, this kit. Unfortunately, though:

Most people don't realize that it is possible to make a small batch of gin at home without costly (and illegal) distilling equipment. In order to make your own gin, you need to purchase The HomeMade Gin Kit and an affordable bottle of vodka (not included). Then follow the enclosed instructions -- transforming the vodka into homemade gin with a rich blend of juniper berries followed by an array of carefully selected and hand weighed spices, botanicals, flowers and aromatics. 

The end result is technically gin (though of a lower quality than distilled gin, where the spirit is distilled in the presence of the botanicals), but why bother with this kit? If you want to infuse vodka (and you should), infuse vodka. If you want to build a still, well good on you, and save us a jar, unless your name is Mags Bennett. Instead, this kid seems like the first of what I imagine will be a Christmas of products designed to create the feel of making artisanal food and beverages, without all of the actual fuss. Also, fifty smacks for two empty bottles, a funnel, a strainer and some spices? Consider a handmade card with a promise to build a real still in the spring, and a gift to a local food pantry. 

All Hands on Deck = A legitimate last-minute Crassmass alternative from Red Hook + a gift for you.

(The lede got badly buried here, so just scroll down to the bottom, k?) Once again, the Cod has fallen down on his self-appointed task of collecting righteous causes and pointing out worthless kitchen crap in the hopes you will spurn the former and support the latter. But! As a gift, cards the Cod made to tuck in those fucking kettles - print on Avery 8876 business card template. They look like this. More conducive to send this to the commandants of this outfit than to yell at bellringers. That said, ask someone who has to work within earshot of one of those bells how they feel about those bells. Casual references to Salvation Army-inspired shooting sprees are off the table, obvs, but seriously, it's not easy for them. 

But I digress. In addition to emails from disgruntled  parents of fucking technically grownup college students about assaults on their special snowflakes' self-esteem by the Cod or his comrades, the email has been blowing up with desperate pleas from every last merchant the Cod has ever dealt with, imploring the purchase of electronic gift cards, for which there is still time. (I am reminded of the joke where the Catholic priest says "Yes! But is there TIME?") What a shitty gift. Seriously, just go to the ATM and pull out the amount of cash you might put on a gift card, and stick it in an envelope. 

But, if the sleigh is a little light, and you want to do something, get after All Hands On Deck, a cookbook to benefit Red Hook, the which was ravaged by Sandy (and is the new home of Rick's Picks CEO Rick.) It has cocktails and dumplings and all kinds of good stuff in it and the $ goes to help businesses that got drowned in Sandy. Is it a rival of Cooking up a Storm, considered by some to be the Citizen Kane of hurricane relief cookbooks? Gamble $15 and find out! 

Calling all GLBTQ/Ally grinches

So, the Cod made these cards. Happy to send some, or, if you prefer, here is the doc. Download, and print on Avery 8876 Templates, and drop some knowledge on the Salvation Army. The catch is, you do actually have to make a donation to use these cards. 

The Twelve or So Days of Crassmas - a request for proposals

Dear all:

In an effort to counteract a naturally grinchy predisposition, the which is exacerbated by living through Xmas season these last years with a childless orphan as a biological host, the Cod has sought to spread a little pre-Solstice sunshine with The Twelve or So Days of Crassmas. The principle is simple - each post will feature one absolutely worthless gadget, and a organization for good works you could support instead. So, then, you can tell your gift list, "Hey, bro, I know you had your heart set on that Bluetooth-enabled French press coffee pot, but I sent that $75 to and organization that teaches autistic kids to train rescued dogs to be support animals for disabled vets." 

These examples are made up, but I hope readers will send real examples. Do so in comments or at fesser at gmail. Thanks!

The twelve or so days of crassmas -- Thanks, Megan McArdle!

We have a grinchy thing we like to do here at the Cod, when we remember at least, where we take worthless crap you don't need, and then suggest a worthy donation equalling the cost of  the crap you don't need. Last week, we put out a solicitation for suggestions for worthless crap and worthy causes. Marco and Jette came up w/ some good causes, (if you are for reading and against cancer, anyhow). Mr. Sidetable offered a fancy coffee maker. But, more worthy causes than worthless crap -- that is until Megan McArdle came to the rescue. She writes for the Atlantic, which for many years was a leading American periodical, until it moved to DC and the folks who write for them started eating lead paint chips. And in the guise of a holiday gift guide, worthless crap at every price point. Tip of the fin to Gastropoda, and Balloon Juice, who in terms of crankiness, makes the Cod look like a publcists whose signature includes smiley faces over the I's.

Now, you may decide to opt out of the egg separator, ($6.50), and handy if you have no fingers, I guess. Or you might be opting out of th $1,400 HAL for the kitchen. Either way, you'll likely find a destination for your $ at donorschoose.org.

Crowdsourcing Crassmas

If you are oviparous, like a Cod, or childless orphan, like the Cod's corporeal host, it can be hard to get sufficiently PUMPED and JACKED about Christmas. But we like to do what we can to help out, so now and again, we do the twelve or so days of Crassmas, where we highlight useless and overpriced (mostly) kitchen gadgets, and then suggest an alternate worthier destination for that $. We would like to resume this tradition, but need your help afflicting the comfortable and comforting the afflicted. If you are aware of a) worthless crap for sale, or b) worthy causes that could use a few bucks, do comment or holler at fesser of the gmail dot coms. 

The Twelve or So Days of Crassmas: Call for nominations

Anchower, and all that. Real life impinges, unfortunately. Betimes, I welcome your nominations for a Gurgling Cod holiday tradition -- The Twelve Or So Days of Crassmas. In the spirit of making Christmas a little different than it is, starting in December, we will be pairing examples of cooking stuff you don't need, but might be encouraged to give as a gift, with worthy organizations that might benefit from a sum of cash about the same as what you would spend on that Santa spatula/sous vide cookbook / cult stove. Please leave your suggestions for the worthy or the useless in the comments, or at email of the fesser 'n' gmail variety.

The Twelve or so days of Crassmas, #6: Cole & Mason Electric Salt and Pepper mills, b/w Starting a REVOLUTION

The Crassmas season rolls merrily along, with both the worthy and the worthless piling up like drifts of snow off the lake. Today, a slight departure, as the choice comes down to a) alleviating a friend or family member of the crushing burden of grinding pepper manually, or b) starting a REVOLUTION.
In this corner -- the Cole & Mason electric salt and pepper mill. A nickel shy of a Franklin. A lot to pay for a pepper mill that will not work as well as the Tom David Magnum, the DC-3 of pepper mills, the which you can get from the Mack. And salt mills, as far as I can tell, are a snare and a delusion, as what makes salt salty is salt, and not volatile compounds as with pepper or coffee.
   In the other corner: A REVOLUTION. For one hundred dollars? Yes. The ladies behind Nashville Femme are looking for a button maker, which runs about a hundo, they say. What do they need it for? The following:

• Promoting women's sexual, mental, emotional & physical health!
• Getting y'all involved in the artistic culture of Nashville!
• Abolishing the negativity surrounding the word "FEMINISM"*
• Promoting a DIY/zine culture in Nashville

They raise money for these folks, and generally promote mental and physical health for women and girls in a neck of the woods where not too many folks are doing so. You can learn more on the Facebooks. If they had buttons to distribute, it would help them do that. What will the buttons say? Buy them a button maker and find out. If you want to play Santa, and smash the patriarchy at the same time, kick an email to nashvillefemme at the gmail dot com - you will be glad you did.
*My Christmas wish every Christmas is for a semester where I do not hear "I'm not a feminist or anything..." from one of those in-college, shoe-owning, non-pregnant kids that I teach.

The Twelve or so days of Crassmas, Interlude: Piling on Under Pressure

 TGCs feelings on sous-vide cooking are no secret, and there has already been a post in the Crassmas series commending the non-purchase of the new Tom Keller jawn. However, Achewood (AKA light of the Cod's life, fire of his loins*), has a rather trenchant teatment of sous vide today. For your convenience, an okapi is pictured at right.

The Twelve or so days of Crassmas, #4: Thomas Keller's "Under Pressure" b/w Lower Eastside Girls Club

Allow me, for a moment, to be real. If you read this blog, you either like food, or are obsessed with 8 Femmes, too, and cannot use Google. If it's the former, you probably have heard of this Thomas Keller guy. He has restaurants that are very well regarded and very expensive. He also writes cookbooks. In Service Included, Phoebe Damrosch described cooking out of the first one as a daunting experience. Now there is a new one: Under Pressure: Cooking Sous Vide.
I have earlier noted my confusion about the title -- a vacuum is the opposite of pressure, so it would be as if The Nuge's Kill it and Grill it focused on braising animals that die of natural causes. Also, as FOC Homer points out, there is the disclaimer, "Many, if not most of these recipes call for including...liquid in the bag. ...We don't recommend you attempt...unless you have a chamber packer." A chamber packer? Rumor has it they run about twelve grand.

Long story short? You will cook out of Under Pressure about as much as you cook out of Stephen Hawking's Brief History of Time. So take that $75, and kick it over to The Lower Eastside Girls Club. Gurgling Cod Philanthropy VP the Lime Spider describes it as "what would happen if Wonder Woman, Rosa Parks, Patti Smith, and Julia Child took over the girl scouts."* For seventy-five dollars, ten girls can go ice skating, or twenty five girls can go to a museum. (Lime Spider hastens to add that this outfit serves mainly the old LES population -- IE low income/public housing, first generation Americans, and so forth, not so much the Two Boots set.) Check out more here. And sidle over here and drop some coin on them. Alternatively, if the economy is making you feel short in the treasure department, there are spots for your time and talent as well.

*Which is to say, they ride on an invisible bus, singing "Horses" and baking killer baguettes.