A Gurgling Cod Public Service announcement

Some not-awesome news has reached me from a trusted informant in the service industry. At this time of year, people go out and buy stuff. Then, ennervated from this experience, they pay other people to cook and serve food to them. So far, so good. However, sometimes, it appears, people feel queasy about these purchases, and fearful of a Mastercard bill hitting like September Vogue, they are a little bit near with the gratuity. This must stop. Your server does not benefit from the 79" HDTV in the back of your Escalade,  Mr. and Ms. Restaurant patron, so you better come with at least 20%, unless your server, like, flips you off or something. If I were as clever as this guy, I would, in fact, make a 3 dimensional tip table, with size of check in dollars, and size of tv in inches, and displacement of vehicles' engine in cubic inches all multiplying the base tip.
And while we are on the subject of the service industry, a gift suggestion-cum-another PSA. If you know someone who likes to drink coffee, consider getting them a French press. Or a Thermos. Or encourage them just to roll out of bed on Christmas morning and start hitting the sauce. Or something, but do whatever it takes to keep Starbuckses from opening on Christmas. What the hell, people?